Tuesday, July 12, 2011 @ 6:41 PM
reflection
am i in the wrong? did i accuse you?
1) i'm unhappy about you not being able to speak to me like i wished a lovely boyfriend would do. although you tried starting a conversation (but not continuing it), it sounded forced and not what you would love to do. No passion.
e.g. in trains where you got nothing to say and i'm just sitting there for someone to talk to me. i want you to chat with me because i have been playing a guys role by talking to you and keep you accompanied. but when will you do that?
2) you scolded me, insulted me by saying i dont use my brain to think - what is the brain there for. and you said i'm selfish.
my stand: selfish. you are the selfish one. you said you make changes but perhaps too insignificant to be observed. this means that your effort is too little, which is equilvant to not doing any change. If you dont see any improvement in our relationship, why are you satisfied with your changes (which is insignifcant) made? This shows that you dont feel you need to change. and also shows that you are changing unwilllingly and that once you change, your job is done.
i really dont know why you dont see the picture. You really dont want to commit. and by just giving me money it doesnt mean i;m happy. True that i'm currently financially tight but im not unhappy due to my financial situation do you get it? you dont understand me. no! you dont understand what a girl wants. really. i really want you to get another girlfriend and see how that girl run away.
i cannot have my own thinking when im with you because you never support my views. you are always in conflict with me. and usually after much debate, you gave in not because you admit defeat but because you dont want to worsen the tension.
shows: you are sober enough to stop the argument but still do not and will not understand and support my views. why wont you support me? i have no one behind me. not even my boyfriend. see how pathetic can i be?
I supported you in most of the things you, i wouldnt say everything because im not certain of that. Even though im not happy with your decision, i still go ahead with your decision because i believe you know what you are doing and i respect you. what about you? i can understand the respect part but what about the believing part?? why cant you believe in me and trust me? others can doubt me but why must you be the one to doubt me?
You are really not a gentleman.
and talking abt being irresponsible. I really loathe you for calling me that. just because i choose not to go to your social night? So you really think i'm that sort? good! can really see how much you believe in me.
I'm still going dumb ass. now i have trouble finding a suitable wear for the social night. can you help? no! you dont even know how formal is it. what if i overdress or underdress? will you care? YOU DONT! because you just care about yourself. You think it is easy? hair? skin care? make up? heels? dress? bag? clutch? purse? do you know any of these?
and just because you will get extras punishment or whatever, you push all your blame on me? and you can even scold me irresonsible. dint you even think that it is because you made me so angry, confused and disappointed that i refuse to go with you?? never think that it is your doings that made me make that decision?
have you even think that it is your fault?
To reflect,
i really feel that im at fault too. For not knowing and understanding that i cannot throw my temper at you. If i tell you all these calmly, maybe you will understand. but i;m afraid that you wont catch what i want to tell you.
because from pass experiences, you must be told what to do or change and not base on what i expressed to you. im just disappointed. really confused too. becasuse i really dont want you to catch what i said and really talk to me. i cannot take it if you were to continue being like this. i really want to be with you, but not the current you.